My nostrils keep rocketing out this green jelly and my head keeps throbbing. But all and all I am in good spirits. This is not saying that the past few days have been good, they haven’t… Rather, they have been an arduous collection of sickness, failure, and self loathing.

You see, in person I have a very cool demeanor, mostly because I have really cool blue sunglasses, but alas those mad-wicked shades cannot hide the inner feelings of my soul. It’s times like this that I like to refer back to a poem a girl wrote in her AIM profile freshman year:

HEY!!…ur bored arent you…y do people send “shout outs”…who cares who ur friends wit…
im a fool
i hate school
dont copy what i do
even tho its fun and u wanna too
Drink beer and smoke bud
dont b such a fuckin dud
have a party get some play
just dont do wht i do or say!
if you no whts up
dont b a suckup
So follow my madow
its like winnin the lotto
A friend with weed
is a friend indeed
life sucks
so toke up
so have fun
this gay poem thing is done

Kristina~

Before this I wasn’t aware that poems could have a sexual orientation, now I know that you probably think that this girl is the next David Frost, but at the time I did not, in fact I had some problems with it and I made fun of it, probably because I was a jealous jackal. But I did learn one thing. I had to smoke weed, and lots of it. You see, I am a very self conscious individual. Once I got a detention for ripping my gym T-Shirt up into a Ninja Outfit for the amusement of my classmates. I also talked in funny Asian accents in order to amuse friends: “OH HE-ROW ME DANROW RUKE, ME RUVE YOU LONG TIM.” And yes, that is indeed Long Tim, it’s funnier that way. I wanted to be that one dude in KIDS that talks with a lisp and fucks all those Mexican virgins but then it turns out everyone in that movie (even though the sum of their ages was probably about 22) had AIDS… or maybe that was RENT, or Philidelphia, or maybe it was that one where the kid had that sixth sense and it turned out Bruce Willis was dead for the entire time… I don’t know, I get confused. But, anyway… Deep down in my very core I like to be accepted and enjoyed. Perhaps thats universal, but I’m pretty sure I’m just broken.

But getting back on topic: I suffered a pretty big defeat the other day. You see until now I was trying to sell this site the fuck out. I had an opportunity to place AD’s on it and generate some revenue, but my site was rejected because my site featured “Masochistic, Sexist, Racist, and Verbally Abusive content.” When I explained this to my fried Scott he just did the Scott thing. He held his palms out to his hips like Jesus, stretched his eyeballs wide, smiled, and while shaking his head back and forth said “Are you serious? Are you serious? But you’re the next Maddox.”

I thought my sense of humor was much more immature and dry than Maddox’s, but hey, that dude is a little successful right? I’m pretty sure that’s a compliment, although I thought this blog was more the work of an Asian Rasputin. I checked into Google’s Terms of Service to see what I had violated in order to make myself feel better, that didn’t work out, my commentary is in bold.

  • Violent content, racial intolerance, or advocacy against any individual, group, or organization

I think we’ve established here that black people take unnaturally large shits

  • Pornography, adult, or mature content

Ohhh, speaking of mature or adult content, who wants nude pixx of Dan Luke? My body looks like it was chiseled out of stone by a Greek God.

  • Hacking/cracking content

COMING SOON

  • Illicit drugs and drug paraphernalia

Heroin is for winners!

  • Excessive profanity

I’m Christian.

  • Gambling or casino-related content

I play cards sometimes, does that count? LOL I’M NAUUUTIE!

  • Content regarding programs which compensate users for clicking on ads or offers, performing searches, surfing websites, or reading emails
  • Excessive, repetitive, or irrelevant keywords in the content or code of web pages

I don’t know what this means. But I once knew I dog named Ted, he was a good dog and we often slept in bed.

  • Deceptive or manipulative content or construction to improve your site’s search engine ranking, e.g., your site’s PageRank

Okay. This is starting to sound like the shit they say on TV shows or Movies when they’re robbing a bank and they have the one young hacker guy that claims to have invented Napster on his MACBOOK PRO and he’s screaming all the obviously fake techno-babble like “OH FUCK I CAN’T REWIRE THE MAINFRAME CHUCK REFRESH ROUTER THROUGH THE FIREWALL HASH CHECK CHICKEN NUGGET.” And then there is this really badass carchase through Italy. STOP SERENADING GIBBERISH TO ME GOOGLE.

  • Sales or promotion of weapons or ammunition (e.g., firearms, fighting knives, stun guns) I.

FUCKING. LOVE. GUNS.

  • Sales or promotion of beer or hard alcohol

Okay, this one is just simply un-FUCKING-AMERICAN. MEN LOVE BEER. WE ALSO LOVE TITS AND GUNS AND JEEPS AND CHOPPING DOWN FUCKING LUMBER. WELCOME TO AMERICA GOOGLE, WE TREAT WOMEN LIKE OBJECTS AND CONSTANTLY ASK “DOES THAT THING HAVE A HEMI?” Fascists.

  • Sales or promotion of tobacco or tobacco-related products

Are you serious? I can’t mention cigarettes or my ads get pulled? YOU CONTENT NAZI’S. YOU ARE DEFILING EVERYTHING WITHIN THE CONFINES OF THE BILL OF RIGHTS. IF I WEREN’T LAZY I’D ORGANIZE SOME KIND OF HUGE MARCH ON YOUR INTARWEB HEADQUARTERS but I am lazy so I’ll just write mildly amusing responses to your terms of service.

  • Sales or promotion of prescription drugs

Oh, is this for fucking REAL anymore? So if I go, MAN I LOVE ALLEGRA XR BECAUSE I SAVED MY DEAD GRANDMA’S LIFE AND MADE HER SKIN SO FLUFFY SMOOTH YOU DUDES WOULD BE ALL LIKE “NAWWWW,” AND BAN ME? C’MOOOONNNN. C’MOOOOOOOOOOONNN.

  • Sales or promotion of products that are replicas or imitations of designer goods

I bought a pair of Folkley’s once, they were like Olkley’s, but with a tad of Folk music. Classy shit.

  • Sales or distribution of term papers or student essays

The word essays bores me. I’m not going to write alot about this rule. Just that essays bore me. And so does this rule. Because it involves essays. Man… essays really fucking bore me.

  • Any other content that is illegal, promotes illegal activity, or infringes on the legal rights of others

Personally I believe all Chinamen should be enslaved.

So even thought I did not agree with Google in the end they’re the dudes that pay the bills. But this was just the tip of the iceberg. Then my girlfriend of 29 years, Maddie Bosak, decided to break up with me:

I dunno Dan, I think I’m disappointed in you. In this blog. In this night. In this weather. In the dinner I had. The least you could have done would be to give me a blog worth reading to spare me from the disappointment I feel about the other aspects of this night…you didn’t even tell us why you’re friends were laughing! No doubt its because Marylin thinks you’re a pansy, but then again, perhaps not, considering MOST of your blogs make me wanna do you. But I won’t lie, tonight not so much. So, dId she call?

It was after she left my apartment (taking our entire Troll Dolls collection, including Hector, the really fuzzy pink haired one that had been my companion through most of my high school years) that I felt a void in my life. I had put up a poorly written essay, one that left people with more questions than amusement. And for that, I apologise, I do not wish to put up articles that are about as amusing as Courtney Love’s sex life (It sucks, and it’s gross). I usually want to put up stuff thats worth the readers time.

So apologies to anyone that was disappointed. I have seriously been disappointed in myself as of late. Except for my cock, I measured that shit yesterday and it was huge.