At World’s End
I remember watching a BBC Documentary entitled ‘Guys and Dolls.’ It was a one hour special looking into the lives of various societal misfits and their life sized doll collections. How can I explain this? These men , they buy life sized, anatomically correct (Working Vagina? Check. Firm rubber breasts? Check.) dolls and live with them. One of them was a twenty-two year old kid living in his parents basement that spent the majority of his days talking to an inanimate doll. It was some sad shit.
But I guess it worked for them. And if it works for them, should I really be emitting so much pity and apathy toward them?
I’m starting to feel that way toward the new Pirates movie. Can someone please tell me what the appeal behind this series is? Can someone tell me why it’s so fucking funny that Johnny Depp plays a mildly retarded, tourette ridden pirate captain that walks like an effeminate brain-damaged gay man ? Yes, I get it . He is sashaying his hands from side to side. That method of walking is uncommon and strange. A+ America, you are enjoying some seriously hilarious shit.
Can anyone tell me why Kiera Knightly is held so dear when she plays what is perhaps the most confusing character ever? Could this chick have made out with any more dudes? Fuck, I swear to God, every time ANYTHING remotely amused that chick she’d just make out with it. Oh, that baby is fucking cute, I hope it likes deep tongue action! Oh, Jack Sparrow is sort of flirting with me, I should probably oogle his COCK and slam my tongue down his throat. Oh, my fucking FIANCE isn’t pissing me off anymore, so now I’ll make out with him too. Oh shit, what about my EX-FIANCE he needs some salvial action also. Jesus Christ, this girl has a longer track list than my ex-girlfriend. I’m surprised her story didn’t end with an unfortunate bout of mouth herpes.
Can anyone please tell me why women find Orlando Bloom attractive ? He looks like some sort of hideously deformed vulcan-elf that should be confined deep in the earths crust.
Can anyone tell me why there was a TWO FUCKING HOUR SUBPLOT involving a black woman whose only purpose was to become a TWO HUNDRED FOOT TALL BLACK WOMAN THAT EXPLODES INTO A BUNCH OF CRABS. FUCK OR WHY JACK SPARROW ISN’T FUCKING DEAD AND IS JUST ON GILLIGAN’S ISLAND OR WHY THE FUCK HIS SHIP GETS CARRIED BY FUCKING ROCK CRABS WHAT THE FUCK. CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHY IN EVERY FUCKING PIRATES MOVIE THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT GETS RESET TO ZERO. OH LETS GO FUCKING FIND JACK SPARROW, LOOK WE FOUND HIM AND NOW HE’S A SCUM BAG, OH LOOK HE BETRAYED US, BUT WAIT NOW HE BETRAYED US BACK AND HE’S ACTUALLY A GOOD GUY.
You know what else that movie needed? A little ticker on the side of the screen that counted every on screen death involving an ASIAN PERSON. The first two deaths in the movie are two ASIAN women getting shot execution style in THE FUCKING HEAD. It’s a PG movie for Christs sake, I’d be traumatized if I saw what looked to be my Asian grandmother catching a bullet in between her eyes in a DISNEY MOVIE.
Man, and why the fuck do all of the characters have to pull their guys on each other every five seconds? Okay, yeah I get it, they’re pirates, they can’t be trusted! They all have their own agenda’s, and they’re scurvy, untrustworthy pirate dogs, I GET IT, IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE REITERATED THIRTY SEVEN MORE TIMES.
Dear God, I’d rather watch Helen Keller fumble her way through the macarena for two hours than ever see this abomination against cinema again.
Everything that was good about the first movie has been raped to shreds by the two part follow up. Not to mention you could have taken the final TWENTY MINUTES of At World’s End, stuck them onto the FIRST HALF, and it would have just been ONE really, really bad movie.
At World’s End is a BORING, SENSELESS, HEARTLESS, SON-OF-A-BITCH, SELLOUT, COCK SUCKER OF A MOVIE and I am all the more suicidal after seeing it.
Filed under: Movies, Personal Entry, Pop Culture Ramblings, Season 1, Supplemental