The Dangerous Mind of Dan Luke

There are many things to say. It’s difficult to say them all.

I have this problem right? I was taking a piss at a buddy’s apartment and I happened to catch a glimpse of my under parts in the mirror. So I started wondering about some truly profound and deep shit . I started thinking “Hey, I wonder what would happen some random girl just opened that door and got an eyeful of my junk. ” I started seriously pondering the ramifications of the hypothetical scenario where a girl opens the door and sees my glory hose and berry sack . And for a long time too.

I finally deemed, that if this did indeed happen she would probably shriek and fall backwards onto her hands. There would be this mindless bewildered look in her eyes. She’d probably push up against a wall with her arms outstretched panting and screaming in agony.

I don’t want that shit.

I was disappointed that I thought this, so I proceeded to think of the positive thing that could come of it. Realistically: Nothing - but - if we add some magical realism to the mix , maybe it just would. Like, wouldn’t it just be neat if some chick just opened the door, saw my areas of passion and just couldn’t stop looking ? And then she like, licked her lips and made some kind of cheetah noise and started pawing at it. Wouldn’t that be rad?

I started washing my hands thinking about what would happen if we had children. Maybe she’d abort it. That would be agonizing , but she is a woman and it is her decision . Maybe we’d adopt later.

This made me start thinking about something that would be truly epic. What if I flew across the globe to an orphanage in China? There I would look into potential adoptee’s until a strapping young lad by the name of Ching-Chong Craig would catch my eye. I then would give him a locket to wear around his neck. This locket would be a golden chain with half of a broken heart. It would have half, of some sort of text, engraved in it.

Okay, then I’d take another jet to - lets say - Brazil or something and then I’d give some kid little Brazillianite the other half of the locket and it would have the rest of the text.

I would then monitor them for several years via satellite, until - and this is if this occurs - the one day where they finally find each other, pull out the lockets and get that “Oh My God we are related,” look in their eyes. They’d slowly bring the lockets together to form a complete heart,
and it would just read:

YOU ARE NOT RELATED LOL.

My girlfriend (who had originally eyed me in the bathroom) and I would laugh for hours. I might even take the opportunity - within the throes of laughter - to propose to her. Then she’d be my fiance and it’d be great. I’d go around saying “Hey, this isn’t my girlfriend anymore - she’s my fiance. ”

Fuck, that’d be rad.

Filed under: Personal Entry, Season 1