The Dangerous Mind of Dan Luke

Miley Cyrus is ridiculously hot.  Seriously, I think it is unfair for anyone under the age of fifteen to be that hot.  She’s like some kind of demented fucked up work from God that mankind was not ready to handle.  So when she was handed a digital camera it should have been known to lead to disasterously sexy results.

Yet - here I am - tweleve hours later and I am still salavating at these risque Miley Cyrus pictures.  I want to fly in through her window at night and then hold her in my biceps as I breastfeed her until the break of dawn.  Just like… you know, in a nurturing way and shit.

It’s getting to the point that every time I even think about her bare shoulders on the cover of Vanity Fair or her totally hot MySpace pics my penis frantically jabs at the zipper of my pants.

I don’t think it’s fucked up.  What?  Looking at pictures of fifteen year olds makes me some sort of degenerate pervert? Bullshit. America, at the very least you owe me your underaged chicks.  As far as I’m concerned Chris Hanson is just a cock-blocker.

This double standard that we live with is ridiculous.  Where we can comment and point judgmental fingers at sleezy pictures of underage chicks, but the moment someone remarks that said enticing photo is “hot,” they are labeled a pervert.  So what is it America?  Are we to censor all forms of sexual commentary when it comes to minors?  Or just when it suits us?  Because it seems like everyone is thinking that Miley wouldn’t have taken these pictures if she wasn’t a horny tween sex kitten desperately grasping for our attention.

Calm down now.  I’m sort of joking here.  Not really - she is really fucking hot, but just disreguard that so I don’t seem like so much of a degenerate scumbag.

It’s a weird situation - I mean obviously our society has constructed some sort of social paradigm that craves this sort of ‘juicy’ celebrity gossip.  As far as to take private pictures of underage minors and then trade, sell, and distribute them on to the internet.  And when it’s that tween sex appeal, the results become catastrophically more newsworthy. This is why the new issue of Vanity Fair with Miley Cyrus is going to sell six bazillion copies and why she’ll be getting quoted on E!  every two minutes.

The truth is that we love sex so much that we have built our entertainment structure upon it.  Cable movie channels change into soft porn channels after dark.  Axe commercials promise that chicks will take to you dick like a hoard of stray cats to a truck of fancy feast.  Makeup promises to make chicks look like Beyonce or Heidi Klum.  And having a shitton of botox shot into your lips and silicone sliced into your tits means that you’re fresh, ready, and primed to be a reality television star for Rock of Love 3.

But even more than sex, as a culture we just love gossip.  Which makes tween superstar sensation Miley Cyrus a prime target for this kind of shit.  And while it certainly (for some unfathomable reason) seems that Miley Cyrus took these pictures to show her soft, totally rad tits to everyone on the internet it most likely is not true.  She’s just part of a stupid MySpace generation.  A generation of tweens that get Mom and Dad’s digital camera and then take pictures to look hot for their peers and justify their beauty as they reach the midpoint of puberty.

These chicks then log on to their accounts and put these pictures on their MySpace pages for their friends.  Pictures where they imitate poses from commercials, magazine ads, and TV shows.  And shouldn’t they?  I mean, they’ve been bombarded with nothing but sex related imagery since birth.  We all have.

It’s just how it works these days.  I don’t question it.  I just sit back in a dark shadow, completely naked under a trench coat and sunglasses.  Nothing but the lit cherry of a cigarette visible as I click through tween MySpace pictures.

And if a majority of people realized this:  That Miley Cyrus is just another dumb teen girl that whored out some totally sweet MySpace pics at the wrong time and that it wasn’t a Paris Hilton sex-tape gesture…  Well, it would probably break their achy, breaky hearts.

I think that this chick made a stupid decision and that she is dealing with the ramifications for those decisions.  But she isn’t the only one.  There is an entire generation doing the same thing - the only reason you’re actually hearing about her is because she’s famous.

In all, it’s harder to feel bad for her than it is to point a judgmental finger at her.  She’s making millions and she’s gorgeous.  But still, there is something fucked up with a societal double standard.

So remember, it’s wrong to look at these enticing photos in an erotic manner, but it is absolutely fine to look at them in a judgmental one.  And it’s fucked up for a twenty year old editor at a celebrity gossip site to look at enticing pictures taken from a fifteen year old’s MySpace, but it’s okay for him to arrange a deal to buy and distribute them.

Filed under: Pop Culture Ramblings, Season 2