The Dangerous Mind of Dan Luke

By now you’ve heard a lot of nerds praising Grand Theft Auto IV. And you’ve seen the ridiculous hissy fits that conservative news stations and Jack Thompson have had with each and every new release of the series. But let me tell you that I, Dan Luke have had some real time with GTA4. Some sexy time… just me and the game… one on one, giving each other hot oil thigh massages and whispering sexy things into each others ears. I really feel like I understand her now. And while fans set her high on a pedestal and critics claim her to be a manifestation of Satan - I think we should consider the gray area.

I’ll start off by saying that I love GTA4. I’ve always put up with the previous games terrible gun fighting system and weird glitches because the game was so fucking funny. The satire of modern American life is spot on. It’s perfect. And you can’t find it anywhere else. And now that GTA4 has fixed all of the game play issues - I have been able to further immerse myself into the game world - like for realz this time. In that regard, Grand Theft Auto has become better than sex for me (or what I perceive sex to be. I mean, I obviously don’t have sex - I’m playing Grand Theft Auto).  In it I am a bloodthirsty maniac. I thrash down sidewalks and through alleyways at damn near 120mph. I shoot guns, run drugs, kill cops, bang whores and then beat them with a baseball bat. I’m a nasty motha-fucka and it totally feels fantastic. It’s the polar opposite of the mild mannered half-Asian that I am in real life (you know, the one that loves separating his colored and his whites on laundry days, visiting his Grandparents, and spending his nights stalking girls on Facebook). I love my playground of debauchery - and I don’t want it to leave.

And yet, as much as I love it, I can’t associate myself with its rabid fan base. The people that support this game on the Internet seem to be absolute lunatics. It’s like they actually believe this game to be the second coming of Christ.

I spent GTA4’s opening night shivering my ass off in a big-ass line talking to a Game Stop bouncer. That’s right, a video game store BOUNCER. I could smell the Jheri curl in his thick black hair - he was one of those Matrix looking ubernerds, that reeked of pretentious nerdity. He stretched in his leather jacket and babbled at me about how this game was the greatest leap forward in technology since the invention of 3D graphics. He claimed that the game was in 4D. Four Dimensions for Christ’s sake. That means the game is capable of time travel. I kept surveying the line, trying to find a way out of the conversation, but each person behind me was more grotesque than the last. Fat black dudes profusely sweating through their tight, grease stained sweat pants and generic frumpy white dudes that probably have a plastic light saber collection at home.

Over one million of those people bought the game that night and proceeded to flood forums, destroy X-box live, and invest over 28-hours into it in a single sitting. These people should not be let out in society, let alone defend the product they hold dear. They’re too rabid, too willing to lie and exaggerate the game and make it seem saintly, too desperate.  To an outsider, they can sometimes make it look like the violence and fantastic elements of video games are affecting their psyche.

And then there is the conservative media. Who are twisting basic concepts and possibilities within the sandbox game structure into absolutes. Here is a quote from Glenn Beck over at CNN during a segment entitled “Grand Theft Morality,” where he argued about one of the ‘scenarios’ that is being used to train children in this game:

…In Grand Theft Auto your son, or your husband… or your boyfriend - or whoever can hire a prostitute, have sex with her, and then beat her to death with a baseball bat. When a police officer comes after him he can either light that police officer on fire or cut him in half with a CHAINSAW. This is entertainment? As he makes his getaway [the character] can hijack the ride of his choice and drive down a sidewalk mowing down as many pedestrians as he likes…

And there are a million misinformed quotes just like this one (Thompson calling the game a “Cop Killing Simulator” for one) - that forget that GTA4 is a sandbox game that simulates a reality. A reality in which you can do whatever you want and when you do, there are consequences. That’s it.  There is nothing to be censored as none of these scenarios are ever forced and there are always alternatives to them (to the above quote or any new ones that come to light).

So what is there to say? Kids are going to play this game (Even though it’s rated ‘M,’ the equivalent of an ‘R’ rating). Just like how kids are going to watch Rated R movies, late night HBO, and listen that one DMX album where he screams: “Got blood on mah hands ‘an I got no remorse. Got blood on mah dick ‘cause I just fucked a corpse.“  It’s too bad, but it’s how things go.  The only solution is to be a better parent.  Because the alternative to these problems is against the first amendment.

But in the end , you can’t let people like Glen Beck lie to you (Children cannot train on this shit, it is not realistic enough or intuitive enough. And don’t give me any bullshit arguments about the sex and drugs - be a better parent or find the store that didn’t card the kid). You shouldn’t listen to Jack Thompson deface a game that he clearly does not understand. And at times it’s gonna feel difficult supporting the fans fighting Thompson and other conservatives like Beck, because they’re not really equipped to out-articulate  lawyers and they sort of show signs of the games warp your mind stereotype that is often the subject of intense debate.

It’s not the most epic thing ever (it is great) and it’s not going to warp anyone with its drastically immoral ways (even though it very well may be borderline evil).  It’s just going to be a video game.

So can everyone please shut up and let me enjoy beating prostitutes at my leisure?

Filed under: Pop Culture Ramblings, Season 2, Video Games