BRITNEY SPEARS.

Britney Spears got a serious marketing push from MTV on Sunday; receiving four Spacemen for her last album.  I do not understand this, as her last album sounds like it was sung by some sort vowel-exaggerating robot from the depths of a submarine.

Their plan as it seems, was to have Britney Spears attend the show and act completely normal.  This is to achieve said reaction:  “Aw dude, you totally missed the fucking VMA’s.  Britney Spears acted totally normal.  It was so neat.”  Britney Spears also gave the same exact speech each time with a soul-less stare that made her resemble an android.  Everybody, Britney would like to thank God, Her Two Sons, and her fans.  And in that exact order.  Every time.

THE BRITISH GUY.

Could someone please explain to Russel Brand that we get it: he’s British and he’s vulgar. Dude, how does your dick possibly fit into jeans. I’m serious, how do you not have some sort of circulatory dysfunction or cardiovascular disease from wearing the tightest black jeans known to man?

TOKIO HOTEL.

I do not know who Tokio Hotel are. But they kind of look like what would happen if Robert Smith had some sort of gay love child with the lead singer from My Chemical Romance and a bunch of Holocuast skeletons.

They are also fashionista’s. They have trail blazed a cutting edge new style: Goth Kids that shop at Express.

RHIANNA.

Rhianna started the show by driving a futuristic wedding cake (built by Daft Punk) into the stadium.  Which was sort of a childhood fantasy of mine.  I have always wanted to drive a giant robot wedding cake, spreading it’s titanium joy to the world.  And Jesus Christ, have you seen Rhianna’s thighs?  I would be able to cook a feast with those thighs of hers.  So thick and succulent and juicy.  Christ.

JAMIE FOXX.

Do we really need another reason to boost this dudes ego? We get it Jamie, you think you’re the shit. Stop acting like a rapper, you’re not a fucking rapper dude.

THE JONAS BROTHERS.

Dear Jonas Brothers, I have never heard of you and from the looks of it, I never will again.  I think I’m just jealous though, these fifteen year old kids look at least ten years older than me.

Christina Agularia.

Christina Agularia lip-synced inside of an elevator shaft for the new version of “Genie in a Bottle,” (which kinda sounds like whatever Anna Nicole Smith heard before she died.  Just low pitched whale noises.  I think that comes from the sound of your brain melting when you mix downers with two bottles of Vodka.)  I did not know that this was considering performance art, but I have learned to both love and appreciate it.

PINK.

People actually care(d) about Pink?  Seriously?  She kind of looks like Storm from the X-Men comics.

PETE WENTZ AND THE OTHER SIMPSON.

Pete Wentz, you and your wife are not funny people. Nor good musicians. Fuck, neither of you are even remotely good looking and will probably have some horrible goblin as a child. Your wealth and fame makes me question the existence of a God. Also, remember that time a picture of your penis leaked onto the internet? Yeah, we all do. Stop tugging on that shit for your Sidekick pictures – even at that length your dick is average.

KATY PERRY.

Katy Perry, you have huge breasts.

And that is all I have to say to you Katy Perry.

T.I.

T.I. performed tonight right?  I think most of us took our VMA nap during that time.  T.I. sort of rapped the same way I’d imagine a recovering stroke victim, or John McCain to rap – somewhat slowly.

MICHAEL PHELPS.

Hi, I’m Michael Phelps, the only thing more awkward than the way I look is the way I talk like a boring math nerd set to a metronome.

KANYE WEST.

So the big finish was Kanye West mumbling through some boring song. Featuring what seems to be the entire ensemble of stomp, if they were all ninja’s.  He doesn’t rap.  Actually, what he is performing doesn’t really sound like any particular music at all.  It sounds like something evil computers and cavemen would make in the year 2012.