the pop culture ramblings of a lunatic.
Movies
trailer trash or blast: the karate kid (2010)
Jan 22nd
this is my new movie trailer review show. we review movie trailers so that you don’t have to watch those either. this episode is for the karate kid (2010) starring jackie chan & jadan smith!
The Karate Kid is an upcoming 2010 martial arts film remake of the 1984 film of the same name. Directed by Harald Zwart, the remake stars Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith. Principal photography for the film took place in Beijing, China; filming began around July 2009 and ended on October 16, 2009. The Karate Kid will be released theatrically in the United States on June 11, 2010.
THE MICHAEL PHELPS MOVIE
Sep 29th
America is caught up in Michael Phelps mania lately. Michael Phelps is the new black, or whatever it is all the hipster kids are saying. All of us here at The Dangerous Mind of Dan Luke have been keeping up with the Michael Phelps coverage and saw this next step to be inevitable. So, without further to do we introduce to you our new film project: PHELPS: The Incredible True Story
PHELPS: The Incredible True Story chronicles the rise and fall of the most awkward looking and least charismatic athlete in American history. Starring Jeff Bridges, Uma Thurman, and Academy Award winner Adrien Brody as Michael Phelps. The biopic will show both the hardships of a young Michael Phelps as he battles the horrific and life crippling Attention Deficit Disorder as well as his legendary performance at the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games where he made swimming marginally tolerable.
PHELPS: The Incredible True Story will teach Americans to cherish those with better genetics and the backing of large conglomerate corporations, rather than those who strive to achieve the American dream through hard work and sacrifice. Written by Dan Luke and directed by Ridley Scott with a tentative 2010 release date.
Special Thanks to my roommate Joe Marcello for the Adrien Brody suggestion (I originally said Matthew Broderick) and Frank Romano III for his wonderful Photoshop work.
THE DARK KNIGHT KINDA SUCKS
Aug 10th
Alright, I have finally had enough America. This has gone too far. It is August and I am still hearing about The Dark Knight. I’m still seeing articles, reading e-mails, and getting Facebook invitations for groups petitioning to get Heath Ledger a posthumous Oscar.
It has become apparent, you all take Batman way too seriously.
In my mind Batman always seemed a little silly. A mentally deranged S&M fanatic with a fetish for bats and spanking naughty people by night, and a white billionaire playboy by day. I mean, everyone loves attractive, white billionaires that buy and do whatever they want (see the Hiltons). But to this extent? The Dark Knight has practically become a religious doctrine. With Heath Ledger as its patron saint.
Check out this post I actually read on the group wall for Heath Ledger deserves a Posthumous Oscar for his performance as the ‘Joker’
[T]he dark night was absolutely the greatest film of all time…i defended the movie’s honour [sp] and almost got in to a fist fight with a co-worker because of it. [H]eath ledger can never be replaced, any effort to fill in the vacancy will be futile[.]
James T.
Gracious! Good work young James! Defending a fictional film is both a valiant and noble effort! Both myself and the Ledger estate give a shit about you and your plight! In fact, we plan to send you ten dozen roses and a golden trophy embroidered with your name. Then we plan to name a town after you with a giant statue in your honor, it’ll read “Here Stands James, He Once Almost Got Into A Fist Fight With A Co-Worker Over A Movie.” And then we’ll make an award named THE BEST BOY EVER AWARD with a big sparkling medallion and we’ll stab the pin into your worthless fucking skull.
America it’s time to get real; The Dark Knight is turning into more of an obsessive pop-culture movement than the good flick that it should be remembered for. It’s also a subject strained by hyper-sensitivity. You have to love Ledger in it ’cause he’s dead and if you don’t you’re a dick.
Well I’m here to tell you that’s not true. You can be a dick and you can discuss things you don’t like about the movie. It’s not perfect and it’s not yet a classic. So with that in mind, lets discuss the things that sucked in The Dark Knight in the hope of healing and moving on:
I DON’T GET AMERICAN HISTORY X
Jul 8th
MOVIES I DON’T GET. EPISODE 1.
First off, fuck Edward Norton. His generic brown-haired handsomeness and nasely voice will be his ultimate downfall. That and the fact that he plays the same character in every fucking movie, it’s like “HEY GUYS, I’M EDWARD NORTON, I SMILE A LOT AND ACT LIKE A REAL NICE DUDE,” I get it Ed… you jackass, it does not need to be reiterated in every flick (and for the record I do not find your smile to be even somewhat dazzling in the least and I believe that you very well may molest Tawaianese children). I almost avoided this movie entirely because the top billed actor was Edward Norton and because I had heard the egotistical fuck actually recut the movie himself to get more screentime.
Edward Norton aside, there is quite a bit of hype about American History X. You usually can’t have a conversation without the words powerful, insightful, disturbing, unforgettable, or intense. I’m going to say this once: Constant utilization of slow motion does not equal drama. Even when you set pulsating Hollywood strings over it. In fact, when half of a movie is in slow motion with pulsing Hollywood strings it may be a sign that it is stuck so far up its own preachy ass that it has dropped the point and is just utilizing its subject to make you squeamish, disturbed, and to the brink of tears like a schoolgirl. Silly gooses! Did you really think Dan Luke would be subjected to your emotional manipulations because you are dealing with real racial issues? Go fuck yourself. AND WHILE I AM NOT AN EMOTIONLESS ANDROID SENT BACK IN TIME TO MAKE LOVE, I WILL NOT HAVE MY HUMAN EMOTIONS POKED AND PRODDED AT WITH YOUR INTENSE SUBJECT MATTER.
INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
May 23rd
This is going to be a long read. And most of it is going to be somewhat (outrageously) negative. So I’ll get the good things about Indiana Jones 4 out of the way first:
1.) Cate Blanchett is one of my favorite modern actresses (check out I’m Not There as well as Coffee and Cigarettes). And this movie definitely emphasizes her gorgeous eyes and thick juicy ass (that I want to slice off and wrap myself in for all eternity). So this movie is worth the price of admission for that alone.
2.) Harrison Ford is fantastic as Indiana Jones. Even though his young, spry, cocksure attitude and iconic whip seem to have been replaced with a rolled up newspaper and a gruff, cranky old man voice that always seems to have Ford one moment away from soiling his britches.
Now, on to the bad stuff.