the pop culture ramblings of a lunatic.
Pop Culture Ramblings
THE MICHAEL PHELPS MOVIE
Sep 29th
America is caught up in Michael Phelps mania lately. Michael Phelps is the new black, or whatever it is all the hipster kids are saying. All of us here at The Dangerous Mind of Dan Luke have been keeping up with the Michael Phelps coverage and saw this next step to be inevitable. So, without further to do we introduce to you our new film project: PHELPS: The Incredible True Story
PHELPS: The Incredible True Story chronicles the rise and fall of the most awkward looking and least charismatic athlete in American history. Starring Jeff Bridges, Uma Thurman, and Academy Award winner Adrien Brody as Michael Phelps. The biopic will show both the hardships of a young Michael Phelps as he battles the horrific and life crippling Attention Deficit Disorder as well as his legendary performance at the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games where he made swimming marginally tolerable.
PHELPS: The Incredible True Story will teach Americans to cherish those with better genetics and the backing of large conglomerate corporations, rather than those who strive to achieve the American dream through hard work and sacrifice. Written by Dan Luke and directed by Ridley Scott with a tentative 2010 release date.
Special Thanks to my roommate Joe Marcello for the Adrien Brody suggestion (I originally said Matthew Broderick) and Frank Romano III for his wonderful Photoshop work.
13 REASONS THE 25TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE VMA’S SUCKED.
Sep 10th
BRITNEY SPEARS.
Britney Spears got a serious marketing push from MTV on Sunday; receiving four Spacemen for her last album. I do not understand this, as her last album sounds like it was sung by some sort vowel-exaggerating robot from the depths of a submarine.
Their plan as it seems, was to have Britney Spears attend the show and act completely normal. This is to achieve said reaction: “Aw dude, you totally missed the fucking VMA’s. Britney Spears acted totally normal. It was so neat.” Britney Spears also gave the same exact speech each time with a soul-less stare that made her resemble an android. Everybody, Britney would like to thank God, Her Two Sons, and her fans. And in that exact order. Every time.
THE BRITISH GUY.
Could someone please explain to Russel Brand that we get it: he’s British and he’s vulgar. Dude, how does your dick possibly fit into jeans. I’m serious, how do you not have some sort of circulatory dysfunction or cardiovascular disease from wearing the tightest black jeans known to man?
TOKIO HOTEL.
I do not know who Tokio Hotel are. But they kind of look like what would happen if Robert Smith had some sort of gay love child with the lead singer from My Chemical Romance and a bunch of Holocuast skeletons.
They are also fashionista’s. They have trail blazed a cutting edge new style: Goth Kids that shop at Express.
A Few Words in Defense of Grand Theft Auto IV.
May 5th
By now you’ve heard a lot of nerds praising Grand Theft Auto IV. And you’ve seen the ridiculous hissy fits that conservative news stations and Jack Thompson have had with each and every new release of the series. But let me tell you that I, Dan Luke have had some real time with GTA4. Some sexy time… just me and the game… one on one, giving each other hot oil thigh massages and whispering sexy things into each others ears. I really feel like I understand her now. And while fans set her high on a pedestal and critics claim her to be a manifestation of Satan – I think we should consider the gray area.
Don’t Break My Heart (My Achey Breaky Heart) Miley Cyrus
Apr 28th
Miley Cyrus is ridiculously hot. Seriously, I think it is unfair for anyone under the age of fifteen to be that hot. She’s like some kind of demented fucked up work from God that mankind was not ready to handle. So when she was handed a digital camera it should have been known to lead to disasterously sexy results.
Yet – here I am – tweleve hours later and I am still salavating at these risque Miley Cyrus pictures. I want to fly in through her window at night and then hold her in my biceps as I breastfeed her until the break of dawn. Just like… you know, in a nurturing way and shit.
It’s getting to the point that every time I even think about her bare shoulders on the cover of Vanity Fair or her totally hot MySpace pics my penis frantically jabs at the zipper of my pants.
I don’t think it’s fucked up. What? Looking at pictures of fifteen year olds makes me some sort of degenerate pervert? Bullshit. America, at the very least you owe me your underaged chicks. As far as I’m concerned Chris Hanson is just a cock-blocker.
This double standard that we live with is ridiculous. Where we can comment and point judgmental fingers at sleezy pictures of underage chicks, but the moment someone remarks that said enticing photo is “hot,” they are labeled a pervert. So what is it America? Are we to censor all forms of sexual commentary when it comes to minors? Or just when it suits us? Because it seems like everyone is thinking that Miley wouldn’t have taken these pictures if she wasn’t a horny tween sex kitten desperately grasping for our attention.
Fuck Michael Bay.
Nov 4th
Dark shadows with deep blue hues. The visual aesthetic is so dramatic, so raw, so urban, so street, so gritty, so unrelenting.
It’s beautiful, but at the same time – it looks like the interior of a mother fucking Russian submarine.
These dark shadows and their deep blue hues are cast upon flaming motorcycles as they jump over the rolling trailers of semi-trucks, that erupt into inexplicably bright explosions as helicopters flail wildly about in a downward descent toward all of the chaos. Large, burly men leap over debris and surf on top of the renegade sparking cars as they’re pushed further and further down the freeway on a tidal wave of fire and chaos. All in dark shadows with deep blue hues.
Welcome to style over substance, indulgence before art, stylistic bastardization if you will. Welcome to the world of Michael Bay, where a camera must pan, dolly, or truck in each and every shot. Where the story to special effect ratio is collectively cluster fucked and the dialog was written with crayons by a retarded fifth grader.
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