the pop culture ramblings of a lunatic.
Sex
The Pussy and the Back Pube.
Mar 22nd
In the bathroom of my Dad’s house I stand in a towel staring into the mirror. Fresh from the shower I fixate my eyes on a renegade hair that has recently decided to sprout from a pore on my back.
This deeply perplexes me as I am a hairless creature by nature. It sucks. I hate being hairless. I have spent many a night drowning my kidneys in Jack Daniels with the hope that burly man hair would explode all over my chest and chin. But for every empty bottle I toss into the garbage I remain equally hairless. Looking less like a bear and more like a wirey hairless cat.
Raising a razor blade to him, I being to interrogate, “Elongated hair, defiler of pores, how the fuck did you get here? What do you want from me?”
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Pizza Love.
Dec 6th
This is the first in a series of erotic, realism based novels where the protagonist never gets laid. It’s called PIZZA LOVE.
If there is anything that 20th century males have been taught by low budget, cocaine fueled pornography; it is that pizza boys get lots of ass. And I mean lots of ass – tons of it actually. I mean we’ve all heard the jokes. Hell, some of us even have the dialog from the scenes memorized.
The lonely Soccer Mom opens the door of her huge three story oak house, an angelic white towel wrapped around her hourglass figure, melting your soul with her sultry blue eyes.
Sure she may already have everything she could ever want – A rich but often neglectful husband who is always out chasing younger ass. Or perhaps she owns the first season of Grey’s Anatomy, which she watches with her other thirty year old, but less attractive girlfriends as they discuss female hygiene, pool boys, and the view.
But alas you, deliverer of pizzas, are what she lacks. Hot loin fire, passion, and the thrill of being with someone half her age that is making a quarter of her husband’s annual salary. You, deliver of pizzas, are probably stoned. You probably didn’t finish high school. You probably have long hair and babble about John Bonham excessively. But you will be goddamned if you are not desperate, eager, and willing.
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On Humanity and Procreation
Mar 27th
I’d like to start off with a question. Think hard for a moment all right? Here it comes: “What is the basis of humanity?”
Now you’re probably answering “God” or “Family” or “legacy,” but you are dumb and you are also wrong. The basis of humanity is Pro-Creation.
Yes that is correct: Pro-creation. It’s been that way forever. Since the dawn of man cavemen would gather around fires with women, only to club them, drag them behind a bush and then fornicate upon them. It’s a proven fact. Not much has changed in modern times, just change “fire” to “keg” and “caveman” to “frat boy.” And instead of all the cavemen screaming shit like “Ooogah-Chuckah!” They probably will just be screaming things like “OHMAHGOD I JUST DRANK 500 BEERS BROHAM, INCUBUS ROCKS, I LOVE TITS.”
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