the pop culture ramblings of a lunatic.
Supplemental
On the Subject of Emo Modeling Pictures
Apr 26th
My friend got back with her ex-boyfriend the other day. She told me about it over a full plate of Sushi at an expensive pseudo-Asian restaurant in the South Loop.
“How’s it going?” I asked.
“Let’s not talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“That sounds real good.”
There isn’t any better response to “I heard you got back with your ex, how’s it going?” than “I don’t want to talk about it.” How else can you explain the impending doom of a relationship?
“It’s going wonderful! It’s going so well that I don’t even want to talk about it ever! “
“The sex is uber-fabulous! He tends to my lady nether regions with a delicate and passionate finesse , and it’s so mind blowing that I want to forget that it ever happened and pretend that he is dead! “
Then again, I am a cynical bastard that never had a relationship that lasted longer than twenty minutes and involved a girl that was relatively sane. Still, I never understood what the point of getting back together with an ex was if y’know… it was already broken once. If you bought a car and found out that it tended to violently explode and spew car parts all over the road, would you go out and buy the exact same car again (In the hypothetical reality that you survive the explosion)? I wouldn’t, I haven’t, and I never will.
I think one of the other reasons I don’t have many relationships is due to the fact that there are so many misconceptions about me. Yes, most of what you heard is very true: I am mind blowingly smart, I am quite the handsome devil, and I smell like daisies, at least thats what my Mother tells me. But I am also very open minded and sensitive, I love flowers and Pandas . But sometimes there are things about me that come out that just don’t seem like Dan Luke , such as the following pictures:
The Fall of Dan Luke
Apr 12th
My nostrils keep rocketing out this green jelly and my head keeps throbbing. But all and all I am in good spirits. This is not saying that the past few days have been good, they haven’t… Rather, they have been an arduous collection of sickness, failure, and self loathing.
You see, in person I have a very cool demeanor, mostly because I have really cool blue sunglasses, but alas those mad-wicked shades cannot hide the inner feelings of my soul. It’s times like this that I like to refer back to a poem a girl wrote in her AIM profile freshman year:
HEY!!…ur bored arent you…y do people send “shout outs”…who cares who ur friends wit…
im a fool
i hate school
dont copy what i do
even tho its fun and u wanna too
Drink beer and smoke bud
dont b such a fuckin dud
have a party get some play
just dont do wht i do or say!
if you no whts up
dont b a suckup
So follow my madow
its like winnin the lotto
A friend with weed
is a friend indeed
life sucks
so toke up
so have fun
this gay poem thing is doneKristina~
Give my reguards to James Frey.
Apr 6th
I’ve been getting alot of this lately. I blame that bearded douchebag James Frey. You might have heard of him? He was that dude that wrote “A Million Little Pieces,” a creative non-fiction megaseller that propelled him to the state of a modern day Jesus via a raving fat-assed Oprah.
Read the rest of this entry »
I, Man.
Mar 29th
On Humanity and Procreation really freaked that many people out? I think the parade of death threats and public humiliation involving my (bad) article should be shared!
“Dan, I dont think I have to tell you how pleased I am that you’ve started a new blog. Since I was one of your loyal Xanga readers back two or some odd years ago. FINALLY my interent usage can be used for something other than facebook and pornography!
God bless you Daniel and America!”
- Nick Ginger
Oh man. I forgot to mention that this is one of the positive one’s, but Dude you can so use the internet for MUCH better things. Have you ever tried Girl Shopping on Facebook? It’s fuckin’ rad. You just load up facebook and look for any girls that tickle your fancy, then you envision your wedding and the two story white suburban house you’ll have when your son Carson comes running home from school and hugs you and is like “DADDY I MADE THE FOOTBALL TEAM.” And you’re tending to the grill, but you put down the spatula and lift him into your arms and go “OH CARSON! YOU LITTLE WAYNE GRETSKI YOU, YOU’RE THE APPLE OF MY EYE! HO HO HO! GO TELL YOUR MOTHER THE GOOD NEWS!” And the adoring girl (whom is now a mother and your wife) that you found on facebook walks out of house into the backyard in her apron and goes “OHHH YOU TWO! ” And then you all laugh together!
… What’s that you’re saying about me? No! More like you’re a homo!
Read the rest of this entry »
A Few Ground Rules
Mar 29th
I had James G. over at my apartment tonight. That’s usually a good thing. He was in here to return my plunger since, being of the African American heritage, he takes unnaturally large shits. That’s what I believed at least, he reassured me however, that this is not the case and that African American’s take the same sized shits as tiny Asian-Italian Americans such as myself do. He has stolen my plunger on quite a frequent basis due to the fact his roommates have a very unconventional type of toilet paper: That of Paper Towels. Now, I don’t really need to go into the specifics of the ramifications for using Paper Towels in your shitter, except for the blatantly obvious fact that you’ll… y’know, clog your fuckin’ pipes and overflow shitwater everywhere all the time. And you’ll be gross and stinky and no one will like you.
Read the rest of this entry »