the pop culture ramblings of a lunatic.
Archive for March, 2007
I, Man.
Mar 29th
On Humanity and Procreation really freaked that many people out? I think the parade of death threats and public humiliation involving my (bad) article should be shared!
“Dan, I dont think I have to tell you how pleased I am that you’ve started a new blog. Since I was one of your loyal Xanga readers back two or some odd years ago. FINALLY my interent usage can be used for something other than facebook and pornography!
God bless you Daniel and America!”
- Nick Ginger
Oh man. I forgot to mention that this is one of the positive one’s, but Dude you can so use the internet for MUCH better things. Have you ever tried Girl Shopping on Facebook? It’s fuckin’ rad. You just load up facebook and look for any girls that tickle your fancy, then you envision your wedding and the two story white suburban house you’ll have when your son Carson comes running home from school and hugs you and is like “DADDY I MADE THE FOOTBALL TEAM.” And you’re tending to the grill, but you put down the spatula and lift him into your arms and go “OH CARSON! YOU LITTLE WAYNE GRETSKI YOU, YOU’RE THE APPLE OF MY EYE! HO HO HO! GO TELL YOUR MOTHER THE GOOD NEWS!” And the adoring girl (whom is now a mother and your wife) that you found on facebook walks out of house into the backyard in her apron and goes “OHHH YOU TWO! ” And then you all laugh together!
… What’s that you’re saying about me? No! More like you’re a homo!
Read the rest of this entry »
A Few Ground Rules
Mar 29th
I had James G. over at my apartment tonight. That’s usually a good thing. He was in here to return my plunger since, being of the African American heritage, he takes unnaturally large shits. That’s what I believed at least, he reassured me however, that this is not the case and that African American’s take the same sized shits as tiny Asian-Italian Americans such as myself do. He has stolen my plunger on quite a frequent basis due to the fact his roommates have a very unconventional type of toilet paper: That of Paper Towels. Now, I don’t really need to go into the specifics of the ramifications for using Paper Towels in your shitter, except for the blatantly obvious fact that you’ll… y’know, clog your fuckin’ pipes and overflow shitwater everywhere all the time. And you’ll be gross and stinky and no one will like you.
Read the rest of this entry »
On Humanity and Procreation
Mar 27th
I’d like to start off with a question. Think hard for a moment all right? Here it comes: “What is the basis of humanity?”
Now you’re probably answering “God” or “Family” or “legacy,” but you are dumb and you are also wrong. The basis of humanity is Pro-Creation.
Yes that is correct: Pro-creation. It’s been that way forever. Since the dawn of man cavemen would gather around fires with women, only to club them, drag them behind a bush and then fornicate upon them. It’s a proven fact. Not much has changed in modern times, just change “fire” to “keg” and “caveman” to “frat boy.” And instead of all the cavemen screaming shit like “Ooogah-Chuckah!” They probably will just be screaming things like “OHMAHGOD I JUST DRANK 500 BEERS BROHAM, INCUBUS ROCKS, I LOVE TITS.”
Read the rest of this entry »
An Introduction.
Mar 27th
So I’ve done this kind of thing before, as in… well, I used to have a Xanga. BUT THAT WAS WAY BACK WHEN IN HIGH SCHOOL. I’m like x200 more mature now. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was just using Xanga to embrace my half Asian side.
It was kinda popular… I hope. Actually, I’m not sure. I had a kid in health class tell me that he had read all of it once, that was cool. Actually, you know what? It wasn’t that popular. At least in a global sense. Kids from my high school got a kick out of it (once in a while) though.
I don’t really think I’m going to blog anything topical here. I’m not going to talk about cool hipster things like Nick Hornby or A*Teens or whatever it is kids are into now-a-days. I’m just gonna put up my essays. They’re funny, a kid in my class told me so. So yeah.
Anyway, HEY. This is my first post. This is my introduction. And now it’s over.
- Dan Luke