the pop culture ramblings of a lunatic.
Archive for May, 2007
Fuck Rosie O’Donell.
May 18th
I am well read scholar. I maintain a 4.0 GPA at Columbia College Chicago where I recklessly fraternize with two legged vixen women whom are blood thirsty for yours truly in the sack.
However, as of late I have been diminished to a mere Puppy Walker.
Yes it’s true, I’ve had the mundane experience of walking my new puppy out in the yard every morning so that it could take an epic shit. Now, I know that while most of you would find this activity adorable and perhaps even fun, I cannot share that sentiment. There is something about this puppy’s asshole that I just don’t trust , maybe that it keeps winking at me before it is going to take a shit. Or maybe it’s because it stretches to unthinkable proportions while depositing its very own puppy sludge.
While gazing into this miniature bowel movement my thoughts turned to Donald Trump. Not because Donald Trump has the facial and personable characteristics to that of a puppy’s asshole, but rather, his ongoing feud with Rosie O’Donnell.
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Dan Luke’s 15 Minutes are up.
May 16th
The New York Times ran a piece on my blog today. It was as remarkably breathtaking as it was shocking. And needless to say I, the great Dan Luke, am even shocked and remarkably breathtooken’d with it. It takes the very breath from my lungs and replaces it with the sulfur that can only be known as the New York Times .
Check it out:
(Click to enlarge)
Broke, Penniless, and Confused on the Merits of Anime Porn
May 13th
[Editors Note: I'm gonna do things backwards this week. First the Supplemental to the essay and then, later this week, the essay itself. Does that make any sense? Nope! BTW I give this weeks update a 6/10]
I never imagined that I would be completely and utterly broke. I mean sure, the hypothetical situation always existed in the furthest depths of my mind, but I never contemplated it as a reality. I can’t even afford a rimjob from a Taiwanese prostitute.
I don’t want to sound like Jeff Foxworthy but, you know you’re broke when you feel agonizing guilt for splurging a dollar on Big Buck Hunter 2006: CALL OF THE WILD (A game where you hold a plastic orange shot gun and shoot deer IN THE FACE) at your local pub. I felt that today. Seriously, why does my bank account read -$13.00? Is that a good thing? I like to pretend it is.
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Michigan Must Die
May 10th
I’m finally done with schooling. To celebrate, I spent $100+ to help my friend Jessica move into her new apartment in Michigan. Let me tell you before I go any further: Never go to Michigan. It is the place where dreams go to be brutally beaten to a bloody, gory death and die. I’m pretty sure the landscape is fertilized with dead puppies and that the greatest thing to do there on a Friday night is the occasional cosmic bowling which, for Michiganites, is of epic proportions.
In fact, I’m deeming Michigan the first "Retirement Community State." Michigan wants you! Your senile, your boring, your retarded. The entire state is powered on depression and exports boredom by the truckload.
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Bible Camp
May 9th
…. He slew all the house of Baasha; he left him not one that pisseth against a wall….”(I Kings 16:11)
I’ll start this off with a list of things that I currently love: Whenever Paulie Walnuts beats the fuck out of someone on The Sopranos, taking a shit while smoking a cigarette and then tossing that very same cigarette in the toilet to get that burnt pube smell . I love masturbating. I love sitting alone in my apartment in my underwear shopping for girls on Facebook and then picturing the hypothetical future we could have together in our two story white suburban home with our fourteen children : Sam, Eric, Tim, Sarah, Superfly, Carson, McSally, Ladypants, Sitting Rock, Mister Mom, Wilber, and Fish-eye Larry. I love masturbating and then shopping for girls on Facebook and then masturbating again.
That’s what I love now, but it certainly is not what I once loved . Believe it or not, before the pornography addiction, and the smoking, and the drinking, and the drugs, and the various pre-marital carnal delights, I used to have one love in the world… God.
So where did this love begin to unravel? Where did Johnny-Uber-Conservative Christian turn into a perverse Holden Caulfield on crack? To answer that question I have to travel back into the furthest depths of my mind… all the way back to bible camp.
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